i think i’m struggling

i ended up going home from work today before lunch time. some small thing happened that made me a bit angry to begin with and the more i thought about it the more upset it was making me so i went to the bathroom and ended up crying in there for 20 minutes. i finally came out and said to my supervisor that i don’t feel well and have to go home. i could barely keep it together whilst i tidied away my shit and i had tears on my face, it was so fucking embarrassing because everybody would’ve seen it. as soon as i got in my car i burst out crying, like full on and basically cried all the way home and then would start and stop crying  at home.

i have been stressed at work recently, the past few weeks/months because there is a lot of work for us to do, we have very tight deadlines, we get unhappy people calling (i work in payroll) and we’ve also been short of staff as a bunch of people left all at once so we’re still basically catching our tails with all the work. and i know i’ve been stressed but i didn’t think it was affecting me THIS badly?? idk if it’s just the built stress that’s suddenly broke me and it’s all come out at once or if something else is going on?

to give context for today – when i first started my job i was told by my previous supervisor that if i had any questions about anything or i was stuck on something i could ask anyone on the team and they would help. i had to switch teams (but we all still work in the same department and the same room) so i have a new supervisor but my old supervisor is still here – i just don’t report to her directly anymore. so a few weeks ago, my team was told that if we had questions about something we weren’t allowed to ask each other or the other team and it had to go to a supervisor. well, my supervisor has been off on holiday the past 2 weeks so we’ve been helping each other and a lot of my questions goes to another woman, michelle, who has been working there for years and has a lot of experience. so anyway, my supervisor came back this week and it’s been ok? until today. 

i was just doing work and then michelle came up to me and apparantly my supervisor told her that if i ask her anymore questions she has to say she’s not allowed to help and i HAVE to go and ask my supervisor instead. that’s the thing that flipped me today and all this happened.

like it is a very frustrating thing to happen and it makes me feel uncomfortable that i’m not allowed to ask a colleague, a team member, for help or advice. someone who has been there for years and KNOWS what she’s doing. it makes me feel like i’m being watched and everything i say is monitored. i feel anxious now when there’s something i don’t know what to do with because i want to ask the people i feel most comfortable with but i’m not allowed to???? it does make me really upset and just like a fucking child, you know?

but anyway, i  don’t think that happening is bad enough for the reaction i’ve had to it. i was FULL ON BAWLING earlier, like you would have thought something awful happened to me or i had some really bad news delivered but no.

it doesn’t feel normal. not at all. 

also, the past week, i haven’t felt like socialising whatsoever at work. normally we go to lunch together and have break together. i haven’t been able to bring myself to do that this week. i’ve gone to lunch and break by myself because i just don’t have the energy to be around other people. i feel so irritable, like i could snap at people and i don’t want that to happen so i’d rather just be on my own. i can’t be bothered to talk to my coworkers, i just don’t care about what they have to say right now and i can’t be botehred replying to their questions at me either.

i’ve got a doctor’s appointment in 30 minutes so yeah. i hope they can shed some light. maybe it is just stress and it’s gotten on top of me. i thought maybe it could be depression but i normally feel absolutely fine and normal at home, it’s just at work it kicks in. so idk